I can't believe I'm about to type this out. I want to talk about this not only for my own release, but to let you know that no matter what you're going through - you're never, ever alone.
In July, Mike and I found out I was pregnant. I got some early bloodwork which looked great, but my first scan did not. I was told to come back in a week and we could see what was going on. One week later things had progressed but not enough - our baby was no longer with us. It was horrific history repeating itself - this is my fourth miscarriage, I had three (one being twins) before becoming pregnant with Madison.
It's hard to describe the emotional rollercoaster I'm on. I'm reliving moments in my mind that happened years ago that hurt more than anything in the world. I'm grateful that after I got the news I got to come home and hug my daughters, my BLESSINGS, to bring a smile to my face. I'm angry because I thought I had already gone through enough - "why me, why again" has been a continuous thought in my mind. It breaks my heart that I've been in hiding hoping that I would have good news to share, only to share my worst nightmare instead. I do not talk about my past often because it is difficult - but this time I decided it's better to open up versus not feel like myself.
The first time I went through this experience, I completely shut down. I resigned from my manager position at Equinox, Mike and I put our house up for sale in California and moved back home to New York. When I look back now, a lot of what I was afraid of was all in my head - nothing that happened was my fault, and there was nothing I could do to change the outcome of my first pregnancy. It look me much longer to heal and to this day my heart feels heavy just thinking about it. This time, after many conversations - I know I'm not certainly not the first or last person this has or will happen to. Just like I started this space for people to workout and feel good... I want to open up so if I can help one person by being honest, then I've done what I came to this earth to do.
Another major difference is that while I am hurting, there are 2 little angels that need me daily. To teach them, to love them, and to be their mother. They are my purpose - I always say that I want to show them what a strong woman looks like. Strength means so many things - from being vulnerable to overcoming obstacles. So I feel and acknowledge my pain, and I get up each morning to be the mother I was born to be. I also want to be strong for YOU - you keep my creative juices flowing, you are the reason I get to do what I love, you are my accountability partner and friend from afar. For that, I go to my happy place which is meeting you on the mat to put my energy in motion.
While reading "fourth miscarriage" might be challenging - I didn't want to write it to bring anyone down. Trauma comes in all sizes - any kind of loss or set back can take the wind out of your sails. It can send us into hiding where we don't want to be bothered with the outside world and we want to try to heal ourselves. I know for me, that's where I was last week - but that's not me on a normal day. I went for a run (with myself in my headphones) and I re-listened to the story I told during the Dirty Dozen run about how Ava looked fear in the face at camp and decided that being afraid of the pool was not going to be her story. Well, this is not my story. I am going to live through these movements, I am going to feel what I need to feel and unpack my feelings and uncertainties. Emotions come and go - accept them all, embrace them all, and choose what you need to do with them. I will not be consumed by them.
Am I nervous? Am I fearful? Oh, absolutely yes. I don't know what the future will bring, if I will be lucky enough to be pregnant again. But what I do know is that I have the best people in my corner helping me get to the other side. The same goes for you - if you take a class and need me again exactly as I was in that moment... I am here. Waiting for you on demand to get you through. To hold your hesitation when you step into your unknown. Right now - I am hestitant because of the unknowns I'm facing, but the one thing I am not scared of is my body's ability to overcome. I've been through a lot, I can't believe it's happening again - but I will be OK. I'm going to get through this, and with five angels in the sky I know that I have a mini squad cheering for me from the clouds.
Whatever tomorrow brings - I know there's going to be some brighter days. For me, I'm really excited to get back to teaching LIVE with you and feel the good vibes being released all over the world. We lift each other up - I absolutely love that about our community. You never have to be alone, we are always here. Thank you for listening and if you ever need to chat about something similar - I am living it now and I am available.